I just finished reading "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I am 47 years old. I am attempting to place on my normal perky, jovial face for the world but inside I am a total mix up.
Drink' helped me face my drinking habits which has been an issue for a long time. It made me feel uninsulated which was really soothing. My misuse of alcohol was not simply "genetic predisposition" or me having no self control'..my consumption of alcohol to soothe and keep me emanates from various situations in my life. Growing up was difficult - my father was a serial cheater, my mother had no self pride and overweight, unpopular me was left to feed for myself on most occasions. Emotionally, I was totally independent.
Strangely, I never drank in secondary school. In any case, I went to college at a prestigious school which prided itself on its academics....and understudies prided themselves on their capacity to party. Thus started my adventure into episodic drinking and consequent terrible conduct - running from power outages, to awful aftereffects to unseemly sexual exercises.
One thing I learn at that time, that for a fat girl like me who want a sexual relation with the opposite gender, I have to be drunk as drunk as the boys, and maybe that's my chance to have it with them.
I arouse one morning, naked in bed with some guy in a frat home in Montreal'.. I look back and it is really a miracle I didn't get badly harmed, land up in an infirmary or drunk tank or pregnant.
Life moved on - I became a licensed nurse, got a masters degree and dated a lovely guy. We took wine on weekends when we were with each other and sometimes during the week I would buy myself a drink.
Fast forward...marriage, .two conceptions, both during which I totally abstained, and never missed it. But then as life progressed on, aging parents, ADHD child, stressed out, compulsive husband with anger problems'..wine on weekends turned to being wine Thursday - Sunday.
We made our wine so there was always so much available and so I began the habit of opening a bottle every night. Without anyone's knowledge, I would make myself a drink after which I would place the glasses where no one would look for them.
Immediately I arrived home - and encounter the household disorder, getting supper, attempting to receive ADHD boy to pay attention on homework while prying the other person off his iPod'.. I can just think about combining that drink'..which I keep filling again till finally I become asleep or faint. In the mornings, what I do first is to go through my I-phone to find out whom I may have accidentally texted while being intoxicated.
But there is more - two years ago I had a very serious emotional relationship with one of my son's friend's fathers. The relationship never got physical (other then a couple embraces and standing close at donning occasions) however in the event that any of you have perused about (or encountered) an enthusiastic undertaking, the effect can be similarly as sensational and extreme, if not more so then a physical relationship. I was joyous beyond words - each time my telephone showed a message...oh the surge of emotions. Frequently we visited late into the night, now and then amidst the night, while we were grinding away.
Those were some of the most pleasant moments of my life. When the relationship got too serious and getting close we almost crossed the sexual line, then he pulled back. I was emotionally wounded and desolate, so my use of alcohol grew.
My alcoholic beverage comforted me they alleviated the pain.
Every time I look back over my life, I feel so ashamed myself and to people around me. Below are some of the incidence caused by my alcohol use include:
I am in counselling which has been an illuminating realisation.....plus reading Ann's book and now finding out this website and reading related stories. Frankly, I perceive my redemption is near.